how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
