i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
