I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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