i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
