You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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