remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
