I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
