Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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