I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
