im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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