can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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