You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
