Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
