I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Randomize
