my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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