Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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