we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
