evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
