I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
