My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
