So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
