My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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