So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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