Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
