I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
