I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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