no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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