Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
