I hate your face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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