I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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