my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
