Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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