You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
