everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
