I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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