she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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