If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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