marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
