so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
