Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
