The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
