Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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