Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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