Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
