Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
