Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
