Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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