Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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