I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
