I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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